So I had everyone’s worst nightmare happen to me today.
I sent a text about a client. But I didn’t send it to the intended person - I sent it to the client. Whoops.
I was instantly flustered and working to save face. I hadn’t said anything overtly bad, but the tone definitely could have been more respectful. What followed was a super awkward and difficult conversation that left me even more upset.
I was on the defensive, completely believing I was innocent. I didn’t see anything wrong with my text and was determined to stand by that. I called my husband in a tizzy trying to process through it all (Hi, external processor here). He listened in his calm, understanding way (internal processor) and then asked me if I felt right about how the conversation ended.
I didn’t, but I didn’t know what else to do because I wasn’t ready to let go of my pride. Then I realized my problem: pride.
Recognizing Fault (Whether It’s There or Not)
Here’s the thing. It doesn’t actually matter if what I said was intended to be disrespectful or hurtful. In her eyes, it was disrespectful and hurtful. She is my client and my friend, and I left her feeling wounded and condescended to. That should never be how I want someone to feel.
Ultimately, our intentions are not what matter. A man may not intend to make a woman uncomfortable, but using words like “sweetie” or “cutie” may be making her feel unsafe. I may not have intended harm, but I caused it. Therefore I was in the wrong, regardless of my opinions.
What’s funny is that once you apologize and acknowledge that you’ve hurt someone, a lot of times you’ll discover an underlying fault on your end that you didn’t even notice was there. You may have actually harbored some resentment, frustration, or other sin-produced emotion behind what you said or did. So as much as you claim pure intentions, there may be a dark side to them that you just weren’t ready to acknowledge until you took that first step of apologizing and opened your eyes to the hurt you caused. That’s what happened for me, anyway.
Jesus Calls Us to Repentance
When asked what the greatest commandment is, Jesus said to “love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind” (Matthew 22:37) Then He followed this by saying the second most important commandment is to “love your neighbor as yourself” (22:38) - the Golden Rule, as some call it. If my words are not making my neighbor feel loved, am I truly following this commandment wholeheartedly?
We are not called to be prideful; the way we as followers of Christ are described in scripture is pretty clear about our lack of right to have pride in anything. We’re called sheep. Servants. Slaves. Children. None of these are highly esteemed, powerful creatures or positions. We are called to these humble roles because we need to be humbled. We are called to be Christ-like, but Jesus took on the ultimate form of humility when he died on a cross in our place and in the most humiliating, public way possible in that time.
So if I am called to be a servant or a sheep, what is my responsibility? To obey my master and my shepherd. And what has my master asked me to do? Love others. And what is my responsibility to my fellow sheep and servants? To be loving and uplifting to them.
Jesus gives a perfect example of what not to do in the parable of the unforgiving servant (Matthew 18:21-35). A servant owes a debt to his master that he is unable to pay, but the master takes pity on him and forgives his debt completely. This servant who just received incomparable grace and forgiveness then turns to a fellow servant who owes him money and has him thrown in prison for not being able to pay up.
How often do we do just that? How often to we accept the grace and forgiveness offered to us by Christ - who didn’t just forgive our debts but died in our place to pay them - and then refuse the same grace to others?
Lessons Learned the Hard Way
Today was pretty humiliating and extremely humbling. I’m weirdly glad I sent the text to the wrong person, because it created this situation in which I needed to address where the root of my frustration was and process what was really going on. It helped me to realize that the fault wasn’t with my client, but with my own prideful heart. It helped me to remember that she is my sister in Christ and that my top priority should be to love and respect her as such. It reminded me that I am a sinner and I need to repent when I hurt those around me, even if I feel like I did nothing wrong because my intentions were innocent. Sometimes there is a deeper root even behind that innocent intention that needs to be addressed.
So don’t be afraid to apologize and seek forgiveness in all things and all relationships. It’s not weakness to seek forgiveness and reconciliation. Or rather, it is weakness, and it’s the exact weakness God has called us to pursue.
