Hannah Lee Donor

I Am NOT Enough (and Why That's Okay)

Fri, 25 Sep 2020 16:00:00 GMT

I’ve been such a fan of the “you are enough” movement among women, especially moms and entrepreneurs struggling with feelings of failure or imposter syndrome. These struggles have often debilitated me from doing what I want to do, like writing this blog or sharing my faith and my business with others. So the heart behind “you are enough” really speaks to me with the need for self-love and affirmation. However, it’s ultimately hollow and not sustaining, and I wasn’t sure why until recently.

Realizing I’m Not Enough

If I look for confidence and security in myself, I will fail time and again. I am not enough for my kids; I am not enough for my husband; I am not enough for my clients; I am not enough for myself. Because one person cannot be enough.

I already knew I wasn’t enough. By trying to believe I was enough on my own, I was just deceiving myself. But everyone keeps insisting I am enough, so I tried to chase after that and believe it. I have so much insecurity inside of me telling me I’m not enough. I’m not sufficient. I can’t do it myself. It’s impossible to completely reject this voice because it’s honestly speaking the truth. I really am not enough and I never will be! Recognizing and accepting this is actually super important.

But here’s the thing: that voice - the voice of anxiety and fear and failure and shame - doesn’t tell the whole story.

Who IS Enough

That insecure voice tells me I’m not enough, but it doesn’t tell me who is. It tells me I’m weak without telling me who’s strong. It tells me I can’t without telling me who can. Insecurity cannot tell me these things, because it doesn’t understand peace.

Learning who we are from Insecurity is like learning to bake from someone who watches a lot of baking competitions but has never actually baked anything. They may be able to tell you what not to do or what looks wrong, but they have never experienced the full picture. They don’t know the exact ingredients and measurements and methods and tools you need to successfully bake. They know some of what is right or wrong, but they’re not a pastry chef by any means!

We need to accept out insufficient state. We need to acknowledge that we’re not enough. But we need to hear it from the One who truly knows us and intentionally created this incapable nature for a purpose: so that we would need Him.

A few weeks ago I started reading the book Gospel-Centered Mom by Brooke McGlothlin. Right in the very beginning, Brooke says:

“What if instead of convincing ourselves that we’ve got what it takes, we entertained the notion that God quite possibly made us to need Him - not just for a few minutes, not just for salvation, but for every minute of every day?”

I was floored when I read this! I mean, of course I know that I need God, and there was nothing actually new to me in this statement, but suddenly I was seeing the rest of the picture. I finally started to realize that the root of all my fears and anxieties is in this truth and my ability to embrace it. I fail over and over because I try to figure it out on my own. I’m anxious because I’m an insufficient person trying to be sufficient.

Embracing the All-Sufficient One

When we accept our need for Jesus - when we actively invite Him into what we’re doing, whether it’s parenting or running a business or even just household chores - we are inviting the Holy Spirit to reinvigorate us. We are capable of so much more than we ever imagined when we recognize our incapability and stop trying to do it alone!

One of my favorite names of God is El Shaddai, which means “All-Sufficient One.” The first time God identifies Himself as El Shaddai in the Bible is in Genesis 17:1, when He invites Abram to “walk before [Him] faithfully and be blameless.” How can Abram be blameless?? He’s as sinful and fallen as anyone. He had literally just impregnated his wife’s servant, Hagar, refused to accept and defend her as a new wife, then let his wife Sarai abuse her without interfering. He was not living a faithful and blameless life.

God was able to invite Abram into covenant because the requirements were promises the Lord would keep, not laws Abram must obey successfully. God would be everything Abram needed; God would be sufficient for Him. Abram could walk blameless and faithfully before El Shaddai, the All-Sufficient One.

We can rejoice in our weaknesses and shortcomings, because not only is God all-sufficient, but He is ever-abundant in grace. “My grace is sufficient for you,” He promises, “for my power is made perfect in weakness.” We don’t just have to accept our weakness and incapability; we can celebrate it! After God said this to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9, Paul declares, “I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

We can boast in our weakness and wear our insufficiencies like badges of honor, because they show how powerful God truly is! When I succeed, it is because of God working through me, not my own merit. When I fail, it is because I am a fallen, insufficient being, and yet God still loves me and His grace is enough to cover my sins and my failures.

So I will glorify Him in all my triumphs and turn to Him in all my failures, because I know He is everything I need and His grace is unending. Ultimately, what I do doesn’t matter, because that isn’t what saves me. I am saved by the grace of a God who loved me enough to humble Himself to the form of a man and die in my place (John 3:16). He did all the work. He is enough to cover me. So I don’t have to try and be enough anymore. Thank you, Jesus!

Reflections of a 90s Kid

Wed, 26 Aug 2020 16:00:00 GMT

As I listen to the click-clack click-clack click-clack of a scooter on the sidewalk, I’m taken back to a less complicated world.

No pandemics. No earthquakes. No riots. No arguments (well, fewer arguments. I assume.)

I close my eyes and I’m back in my suburban small town childhood.
Bruising my knees on a thin, plastic slip n’ slide.
The syrupy chill of a raspberry snow cone dyeing my tongue blue.
(Because in the 90s, raspberries were blue)

Building wooden toy boats at a local festival,
then watching them sink in the kiddie pool in my backyard.

Boys teaming up on girls in water gun fights because we make them feel feelings, but they don’t know how to handle feelings yet.

Back when my biggest concern was awkward neighborhood boys, rather than whether or not it’s safe to bring my three-year-old to the grocery store.

Picking blackberries down by the pond, then rewarding ourselves with mom’s homemade jams and pies.

Catching frogs in muddy ponds, then pulling up all the stakes from the pond because we thought they were going to destroy the froggy sanctuary.
The stakes were markers for expanding the wetlands.
Whoops.

One of my babysitters teaching me to ride a bike in a cul-de-sac, because I wanted to ride with my brother and his friends and training wheels were holding me back.

I never liked being held back. Still don’t.

Swimming until my fingers pruned and my sides ached.
Playing baseball in the street.
Hop scotch and jump rope and Red Light, Green Light and Mother, May I.

Sentimentality is nice, but it doesn’t cure diseases.
I guess all I’m trying to say is that it’s nice to know kids still ride scooters.

Why You Should ALWAYS Apologize

Mon, 17 Aug 2020 15:58:47 GMT

So I had everyone’s worst nightmare happen to me today.

I sent a text about a client. But I didn’t send it to the intended person - I sent it to the client. Whoops.

I was instantly flustered and working to save face. I hadn’t said anything overtly bad, but the tone definitely could have been more respectful. What followed was a super awkward and difficult conversation that left me even more upset.

I was on the defensive, completely believing I was innocent. I didn’t see anything wrong with my text and was determined to stand by that. I called my husband in a tizzy trying to process through it all (Hi, external processor here). He listened in his calm, understanding way (internal processor) and then asked me if I felt right about how the conversation ended.

I didn’t, but I didn’t know what else to do because I wasn’t ready to let go of my pride. Then I realized my problem: pride.

Recognizing Fault (Whether It’s There or Not)

Here’s the thing. It doesn’t actually matter if what I said was intended to be disrespectful or hurtful. In her eyes, it was disrespectful and hurtful. She is my client and my friend, and I left her feeling wounded and condescended to. That should never be how I want someone to feel.

Ultimately, our intentions are not what matter. A man may not intend to make a woman uncomfortable, but using words like “sweetie” or “cutie” may be making her feel unsafe. I may not have intended harm, but I caused it. Therefore I was in the wrong, regardless of my opinions.

What’s funny is that once you apologize and acknowledge that you’ve hurt someone, a lot of times you’ll discover an underlying fault on your end that you didn’t even notice was there. You may have actually harbored some resentment, frustration, or other sin-produced emotion behind what you said or did. So as much as you claim pure intentions, there may be a dark side to them that you just weren’t ready to acknowledge until you took that first step of apologizing and opened your eyes to the hurt you caused. That’s what happened for me, anyway.

Jesus Calls Us to Repentance

When asked what the greatest commandment is, Jesus said to “love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind” (Matthew 22:37) Then He followed this by saying the second most important commandment is to “love your neighbor as yourself” (22:38) - the Golden Rule, as some call it. If my words are not making my neighbor feel loved, am I truly following this commandment wholeheartedly?

We are not called to be prideful; the way we as followers of Christ are described in scripture is pretty clear about our lack of right to have pride in anything. We’re called sheep. Servants. Slaves. Children. None of these are highly esteemed, powerful creatures or positions. We are called to these humble roles because we need to be humbled. We are called to be Christ-like, but Jesus took on the ultimate form of humility when he died on a cross in our place and in the most humiliating, public way possible in that time.

So if I am called to be a servant or a sheep, what is my responsibility? To obey my master and my shepherd. And what has my master asked me to do? Love others. And what is my responsibility to my fellow sheep and servants? To be loving and uplifting to them.

Jesus gives a perfect example of what not to do in the parable of the unforgiving servant (Matthew 18:21-35). A servant owes a debt to his master that he is unable to pay, but the master takes pity on him and forgives his debt completely. This servant who just received incomparable grace and forgiveness then turns to a fellow servant who owes him money and has him thrown in prison for not being able to pay up.

How often do we do just that? How often to we accept the grace and forgiveness offered to us by Christ - who didn’t just forgive our debts but died in our place to pay them - and then refuse the same grace to others?

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Today was pretty humiliating and extremely humbling. I’m weirdly glad I sent the text to the wrong person, because it created this situation in which I needed to address where the root of my frustration was and process what was really going on. It helped me to realize that the fault wasn’t with my client, but with my own prideful heart. It helped me to remember that she is my sister in Christ and that my top priority should be to love and respect her as such. It reminded me that I am a sinner and I need to repent when I hurt those around me, even if I feel like I did nothing wrong because my intentions were innocent. Sometimes there is a deeper root even behind that innocent intention that needs to be addressed.

So don’t be afraid to apologize and seek forgiveness in all things and all relationships. It’s not weakness to seek forgiveness and reconciliation. Or rather, it is weakness, and it’s the exact weakness God has called us to pursue.

When Being in Debt Isn't a Bad Thing

Tue, 11 Aug 2020 20:00:00 GMT

I’m pretty sure every financial advisor and business coach reading this is having a minor stroke right now. How is being in debt ever a good thing? But here’s the thing: this isn’t some financial support blog. This isn’t some article about smart business moves. This is an article about when there are things more important than financial stability. Again, business-minded readers are still probably freaking out a little. Stay with me.

Our Idyllic 5-Year Plan

When I was in college, I started dating a Math and Computer Science double major (spoiler alert: my now husband) who was graduating early and already had accepted a job at not only a Christianity-based software company, but one that was literally an hour away from my family. It seemed like the stars were aligned for us. I would graduate after two more years of school, marry him, and live in an amazing city with his six-figure salary and get to hang out with my family whenever I wanted. We dreamed of what church we would attend, what neighborhoods we would buy a house in, what schools we would send our kids to…

Reader, I married him.

Although we ended up living in Wisconsin - halfway across the country from both our families - for four years, all the other pieces of our plan seemed to be perfectly in place. His financial provision even gave me the courage and freedom to explore freelancing, which is when I first began editing, and later copywriting and social media strategy. I know God used that time to give us peace to make decisions we wouldn’t have had we known what was coming, like getting pregnant in year two of our marriage.

We didn’t see the build-up of stress and burn-out rooted in my husband’s career that was slowly eating away at him and our marriage.

Discovering God’s Plan

I won’t go into all the details, but after 5 job changes and a few seasons of unemployment, I was at a loss. I just couldn’t see what God had for us, and I was scared for my husband’s health and for how we’d provide for our children.

Then my husband accepted a job in ministry at our church, and it all made sense.

I have never seen my husband so at peace. There is a joy in our home that was completely lacking when we were focusing on our culture’s picture of success instead of what God knew was best for us and what He was calling us to.

Our marriage is so, so, so much stronger. Our kids can clearly see a difference.

And guess what else? We’re in the most debt we’ve ever been in.

Sometimes It Takes a Crisis to Get Our Attention

Interesting headline in these times, right? We were so blind to all the things crumbling around us as we pushed and worked and cried and fought for what we thought our life should look like. We definitely made our share of financial mistakes, but a lot of issues simply came out of unexpected hardships and incorrect predictions about our future.

I would not trade the freedom I have in Christ for financial freedom.

I would not trade the joy in my home, the peace in my husband, and the simplicity of our life now for all the riches in the world. I’m happy with our debt, because it is a testament of all that we’ve been through.

A Work in Faith

We’re of course working on paying off our debt. With the significantly smaller income, it is much slower going than it could have been, but we’re still working through it. I don’t have some weird notion that I need to keep this debt around because of what it signifies in my life, trust me! I want it gone!

But I don’t need to look at the debt with fear in this season. I don’t need to stress over finances at all, and that is something God has really been teaching me through giving me less finances to stress over.

We do what we can to pay off our debts in the faith that God will bring about release from them in time. God loves to relieve debts - just look at His laws for protecting indentured servants from being enslaved to their debts (Exodus 21:2-10, Deuteronomy 15:12). Look at how Jesus paid the ultimate debt for us so that we may live (Colossians 2:13-14, 1 John 2:2, Galatians 5:1).

I have seen God bring my family out of the fire time and time again. I have seen Him protect my children and save my marriage. I have seen Him perform countless miracles in my life and the lives of others; yes, even in the midst of a global pandemic.

I have faith that He will bring us through this pandemic and that He has a greater plan in all this we cannot see, and it is that faith that gives me peace. Peace in finances. Peace in pandemics. Peace in all things, because my God is greater than all of it.

So What?

Why is this important for you to hear? Maybe you feel stuck in your current job because your expenses require that income. Maybe you feel God calling you to something specific but are afraid to pursue it because it feels new and scary and you feel blind. It’s not easy to make decisions that could put you in financially compromising positions. It hopefully won’t result in significant debt or financial strife in the same way it did for us, but I want you to remember that there are things more important than money and financial stability. Your mental health is more important. Your marriage is more important. Your kids are more important. Fill in the blank and there are always things that are more important than your finances. Financial freedom isn’t freedom unless it also brings a lifestyle that is free.

Finding my Identity as a Multi-Passionate Person

Thu, 16 Jul 2020 20:30:00 GMT

I chose my university because of their amazing choir program. I’ve always loved to sing and loved being in choir throughout my school years, so it just felt natural to me to find a college with a great music program even though I didn’t intend to major (or even minor) in music. I wanted to major in English or Psychology. You know, something I could actually make a career in (I didn’t realize the English major is notoriously teased for being the jobless major. Whoops).

My first week at Whitworth University, I auditioned for the Whitworth Choir…and I didn’t even get a callback. I was devastated. This was literally the reason I chose this school, and I wouldn’t be a part of it.

Letting Go of an Identity

I found other passions and clubs and have absolutely no regrets about my time there. I know God wanted me at Whitworth and I loved it there. I didn’t even audition for choir the next year because I was too busy pursuing other interests. But it was still strange to me that singing - something I identified so strongly with in high school - was not something people would identify me with in college.

I was the English major. The thrift store addict. The club organizer and student leader. I occasionally sang for various events, but it wasn’t a significant part of my identity anymore.

Millennials and Labels

The millennial generations loves labels. Not status, like degrees or titles. But labels: things that help us to define who we are in just a few short words. Married. Mother. Enneagram 6. Entrepreneur. Christian. Feminist. Singer. Writer. Influencer.

We like labels because they help us to grasp who we are and voice it to others. But when you’re multi-passionate, labels can be overwhelming and hard to hone in on because you have so many of them! Depending on the audience, I could identify myself as a Virtual Assistant or Social Media Strategist or Blogger or Writer or Mom or Wife or Entrepreneur or Worship Leader or Poet or Craftaholic. I am all of these things, but no single one of them defines me.

Niching Down as an Entrepreneur

Now of course everyone has multiple labels they identify under, but particularly in the entrepreneur space it seems like the most successful ones have a clear, identifiable passion or label. She may be a fitness coach. He may be a marketing expert. She may be an influencer who focuses on fashion. He may help design graphics for upstart tech companies.

You can easily be multi-passionate and successful. But it’s harder to be known, simply because no one knows what to know you for! So do I want to niche down and become known, or do what I love and accept the plethora of labels that come with it? Do I want to focus on social media marketing tips, or motherhood, or poetry and creative writing? Or do I want to do any and all of these things because they bring me joy?

Honestly, I think the answer depends on the goal. If your goal as an entrepreneur is to make a lot of money and have a large following, it may be good to niche down. As for me, this blog is something I want to be enjoyable and focused on my passions: all of them.

Recognizing the Emotional Struggle

Finding confidence in a multifaceted, multi-passionate identity isn’t easy. Being multi-passionate comes with a lot of confusion and uncertainty. As an entrepreneur, it can feel very chaotic and out of step with the way others encourage you to be. As a person, it can feel like you’re just lost and haven’t found your focus yet.

When I find myself thinking in these ways, I have to remind myself that I am allowed to be who I am and I don’t have to answer to anyone for it. It’s okay to love a lot of things and pursue a lot of interests! It’s okay to not feel like any single thing defines who I am, and my success is not measured by the opinions or successes of others.

As a Christian, I also remind myself of where my true identity is: in Jesus. When I’m lost in an identity crisis, all I have to do is turn to God and remember who He has told me I am:

I am His child (Galatians 4:7, 1 John 3:1, Romans 8:14)
I am His creation (Psalm 139:13-16)
I am free (Romans 8:1-2, Galatianns 4:7, John 8:36)
I am not alone (Isaiah 41:10)
I am beloved (Song of Solomon 6:3)

Knowing who I am in Christ gives me so much confidence in who I am, because my passions and my identity come from Him

My Embroidery Project Goals for 2020

Wed, 17 Jun 2020 20:15:00 GMT

I’ve found that if I tell myself I’m going to do something but don’t tell anyone else…I don’t usually do it. So I’ve decided to tell the whole internet my embroidery project list for this year! Please hold me accountable, internet!

1. Family Hands Portrait

I’ve seen this going around Facebook as a recommended quarantine project, and I absolutely love it! I’m really into minimalist line art, so this feels like a very personal extension of that. And as I currently have a little family of four, it’s basically perfect for us. I can’t wait to do it, which is why it’s at the top of my list…because I’ll probably do it as soon as I have the supplies haha!

2. Satin Stitch Minimalist Landscape

This one kind of scares me…I’ve heard it takes forever and can be a pain, but I’ve seen some STUNNING pieces using this technique! I really want to learn satin stitch! I’ve also seen pieces where they cover the whole canvas with satin stitch except for block letters in the center, but…baby steps.

The Sorry Girls have a pretty cute island-themed tutorial for something like this, though I’m hoping to make a similar effect with horizontal lines.

3. Embroider My Clothes!

I haven’t decided what I want to embroider yet. Currently I’m torn between embroidering something cute on a jeans pocket or adding a cute little flower popping out of a shirt pocket…which idea do you like more? Maybe I’ll do both! Now to decide which clothing item(s) I’ll sacrifice to the cause…

4. Create My Own Cross Stitch

I’ve heard of a few different free resources I want to try for this, but I’d love to create my own cross stitch pattern and then make it! How fun would that be?? If I can’t get a software to work I’ll just buy some grid-lined paper *pause for high school math flashbacks* and do it by hand lol.

Update: Since I originally wrote this blog, I discovered Stitchboard and used it to create a cross stitch pattern from a photo! It’s pretty cool and just customizable enough for a rookie like me. I can’t wait to share how my cross stitch turns out!

5. Make Significant Progress on The Last Supper

I say significant progress because I know dedicating to finishing it this year is not going to happen as a mom of two wild boys. I wasn’t even going to list it here because saying “significant progress” instead of “finish” feels like a cop-out…but also, five is a nice list number. So I decided to include it! To give it something more tangible, I’ll make it my goal to finish the current apostles plus one more (sans finishing stitch details - those will come at the very, very end once all the base is in place).

Phew. Okay. There. I did it. Now I have to go do all these things before 2021…while still keeping two children and a husband alive, the house relatively clean, and staying on top of all my social media and copywriting client work. No problem, right? …pray for me.

What to Do During Social Distancing

Fri, 20 Mar 2020 21:00:00 GMT

I’ve been seeing all sorts of amazing resources for entertainment and socializing during this quarantine, so I thought I’d collect them all in one place for my friends to find! So here are a few of the ways I’m staying sane as an extravert in social isolation:

Online Gaming

Gamers, we’ve been preparing for this! Now is the time for the non-gamers to realize what they’re missing out on ;) There are so many social online games out there, and many of them are free or have free versions! I personally really enjoy Albion, League of Legends, and Teamfight Tactics.

Oh, and millennials: did you know Neopets is still a thing? Maybe you should go feed your pet who has been starving for over a decade! Whoops!

While gaming with our long-distance friends, my hubby and I like to use Discord to communicate during the game. It’s a gaming staple ;)

“Skype” Dates

I’ve talked to my best friend from college more since the quarantine started than I did for months beforehand! It’s been great just to sit and chat with her! So maybe now is the time to reach out to those long distance friends and see how they’re holding up.

Another great option is the Marco Polo video messaging app, which I use regularly to maintain contact with my Wisconsin friends.

Netflix and Chill

Yes, you can do this long distance! When I was away at college, my mom and I used to skype and watch “How I Met Your Mother” together. We would count down and try to start our shows at the same time. But now, Chrome has an extension you can use to create a synced playback along with a group chat for watching Netflix together! You can install the free Chrome extension “Netflix Party” here.

Livestream Church Services

For Christians, church and church activities are our regular social events. Not being able to have that is hard! Many churches are streaming their services live on Facebook or Youtube, but if yours isn’t there are tons that are!

Our church, the Bridge Christian Fellowship livestreams services Wednesdays at 6:30pm and Sundays at 10:00am if you’re looking for somewhere to “attend”. You can see the livestreams on their YouTube channel.

Productivity Tips

You’re stuck at home all day. You can’t go to work. Now is the perfect time to get on all those projects you’ve been putting off, or even form new habits and routines! Here are a few ideas to help you get started:

Create a Quarantine Projects List
Time to get caught up! My list includes everything from catching up on laundry to reworking our budget to painting our bedroom! Whatever you need to get done, write it all down on a master list and then prioritize where you want to start!
Get in Shape
You may not be able to go to the gym, but there are tons of workout programs on YouTube or Amazon Prime. There are also tons of great fitness entrepreneurs on Instagram who could really use your support at this time! My personal favorite is Positive Fit Mama, who is offering her Fit Mama Club for free through April 15 to help support those in social isolation with keeping up their fitness routines!
Take a New Course
Maybe you were laid off, or maybe you’ve been wanting to leave your 9 to 5 for a while. There are so many great online courses for everything from how to start a blog to building an online brand.

Through the rest of March, Brit + Co. is offering all of their courses for free! They even have more artistic courses, like calligraphy or watercolor painting! Just use the code SELFCARE at checkout.
Classes bought with this code will only be available through 3/31

For the Kids…

Need a way to entertain your kids during this quarantine? Here are some ideas!

#GadBookClub

Josh Gad, the voice behind Olaf, is reading books via Twitter and Instagram livestreams every afternoon! Follow him on one of these platforms to find out when the next #GadBookClub will be! Usually it’s around 4:30pm PST daily.

ABC, Jesus Loves Me

ABC, Jesus Loves Me is a free homeschool curriculum I’m preparing to use next week with my oldest. It has lots of free worksheets and suggestions for creating a very simple homeschool curriculum to keep your little one engaged during this season! They have curriculums for ages 1-5.

Family Time!

Your kids are probably loving this! They get to spend much more time with you than usual, so enjoy it and try to spend quality time with them doing the things they love! Let them pick the activities you do once in a while - it will help them to have a better sense of control over the situation and will help you to understand what they enjoy.

How are you filling the days in social isolation? What resources have you found?

How I Was Compelled to Come In After the Hardest Year Yet

Sat, 28 Dec 2019 21:30:00 GMT

This year has been rough. We’ve experienced multiple job losses. Had major career changes. Moved three times. Lived with family. Lived in a barn. Moved into a rental house. Caused significant water damage to said rental house (oops). Struggled financially. Struggled maritally. Hurt each other. Yelled at each other. Cried a lot. Turned from God. Turned to God. Thought we were turning to God but were actually putting our trust in a lot of less stable things (like ourselves).

So yeah. It’s been rough.

How I Handled the Struggles

I’d like to be able to write a lovely little blog post on the strategies I used to get through it all, but I’m still not even sure myself how I’m getting through it all. I genuinely can think of only one answer: Jesus. I truly do not know how anyone faces the world without Him because I promise you I would not be here if I didn’t have my Savior to rely on.

My Go-To Bad Day Listening Material

I was recently listening to the podcast Revived Thoughts. These guys take old sermons from famous (or lesser known) preachers, translate and modernize the language, and bring in different talents to preach the sermons anew. It’s really amazing because these sermons were made to be listened to, not read. So Revived Thoughts allows us to hear these sermons come to life again!

They recently did the sermon “Compel Them to Come In” by Charles Spurgeon, a favorite among Christian scholars. At one point, Spurgeon’s words struck me because it felt like he was literally describing me this year:

You are maimed; you have given up, as a forlorn hope, all attempt to save yourself, because you are maimed and your arms are gone. But you are worse off than that, for if you could not work your way to heaven, yet you could walk your way there along the road by faith; but you are maimed in the feet as well as in the hands; you feel that you cannot believe, that you cannot repent, that you cannot obey the stipulations of the gospel. You feel that you are utterly undone, powerless in every respect to do anything that can be pleasing to God. In fact, you are crying out—
“Oh, could I but believe,
Then all would easy be,
I would, but cannot, Lord relieve,
My help must come from thee.”

Struggling to Know My Faith is Enough

This is the struggle I feel so often. When my heart isn’t in it and I feel like my faith is weak, am I still a believer? Am I still saved? Have I turned from God without meaning to? Spurgeon’s answer to these questions is so profoundly simple and obvious, and was exactly what I needed to hear:

Our first business has not to do with faith, but with Christ. Come, I beseech you, on Calvary’s mount, and see the cross. Behold the Son of God, he who made the heavens and the earth, dying for your sins. Look to him, is there not power in him to save? Look at his face so full of pity. Is there not love in his heart to prove him willing to save? Sure sinner, the sight of Christ will help thee to believe. Do not believe first, and then go to Christ, or else thy faith will be a worthless thing; go to Christ without any faith, and cast thyself upon him, sink or swim.

Saved by Grace

If we think it is our belief or our faith that saves us, we are the same as those who believe they are saved by the good works they do. By worrying about my lack of belief, I was putting my faith in myself rather than in Jesus! It is not by the power of my own faith that I am saved; it is by the power of Jesus Christ who gave Himself for me on the cross that I am saved!

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast.” (Ephesians 2:8, NIV)

No action of my own can save me. I don’t need to feel like I’m in the right frame of mind to go to Jesus. I don’t need to be presentable enough or faithful enough or even remotely perfect. Jesus knows who I am inside and out, even more than I know myself. There isn’t some threshold of holiness I need to cross before I’m really saved. Simply by the act of “coming in” and asking Jesus to save me, I have been saved. Not because I did something. But because He did.

What Moms Deserve: The Problem with the "Super Mom" Movement

Fri, 08 Nov 2019 21:45:00 GMT

I’ve been noticing a trend on social media lately. Maybe it’s because I’m a mom myself, maybe it’s a real revolution, maybe it’s simply a byproduct of moms having too much isolation from other adults (and, you know, the world). But it seems that moms have a real significant presence on social media, specifically in the entrepreneurial space.

Because so many influencers and entrepreneurs in social media are moms, I see a lot of posts like this:

“You got this, mama!”
“Take time for you - you deserve it!”
“No one understands how hard we moms have it.”
“Don’t forget to put yourself first!”
“Moms are superheroes. They really can do it all!”

Now I’m not here to refute any of those statements. Heck, I make similar comments myself multiple times a day when I do Instagram engagement for clients or make my own social posts, and I wouldn’t do that if I didn’t believe that moms are truly amazing renaissance women who need the kind of connection and community social media can provide to those stuck at home with babes all day.

But.

I’ve noticed something in myself personally begin to shift as I’ve embraced this Super Moms mentality.

Last weekend, my husband spent every minute trying to help out with errands, give me much needed time away from the kids, and spend quality time with me. I repaid him with biting comments, zero gratitude, and an entitled lack of respect. After he finally called me out on my behavior because, let’s face it, I was being horrible, I took some time to process where this entitlement was rooted in me.

I spend all of my working hours collaborating and interacting with moms and mompreneurs. I am constantly reading, writing, and editing posts about “self-care” and what moms “deserve” and how much we “sacrifice” as moms, from our bodies to our careers to our sanity. I’ve spent so much time immersed in this space that I’ve begun to see the world around me through the lens of what I need and deserve as a work-from-home mom. So I decided it was time to take off my rose-colored glasses and try to understand what I really deserve.

You know what we mamas deserve? The same as every other human being on the planet: nothing.

For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23)

You know who has truly sacrificed everything, including His own life, for the sake of His children? Jesus.

But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)

So who am I to say I deserve anything? Who am I to tout my sacrifices like a badge of honor earned through the trials of motherhood? It is pride that tells me I deserve a break from my kids, or my career is more important than my husband’s, or that I’m amazing because I do X, Y, and Z.

Mama, you are pretty amazing. The things you have balanced on your plate all at once can feel overwhelming - trust me, I get it. But turning to social media for validation about how overworked, overtired, and overwhelmed you are is a Band-Aid solution to a real heart problem. Peace cannot truly be found outside of the One whose name is Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6).

Does this mean I can’t uplift, empower, and encourage my fellow mamakind? Of course not! What it does mean is that I need to also uplift and glorify my God and remember that all these things come from and through Him. I need to remember the One who created me, gave me these children, and gives me the strength to raise them every day.

I don’t know about you, but I think I need to spend a little less time elevating myself and my fellow mamas and a lot more time glorifying the One who really does deserve it.

For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen. (Romans 11:36)

Five Lessons Learned in a Barn

Sun, 27 Oct 2019 16:00:32 GMT

Since the end of August, my little family of four has been living in a barn. Literally. What once was a horse barn has had the loft converted into a few bedrooms, a shower added to the bathroom downstairs, and one of the stalls converted into a pseudo-kitchen. We’ve been blessed with very inexpensive rent and the care of this family who own this barn as we’ve looked for a more permanent rental home on Whidbey Island (FYI, not an easy feat).

Now that we will be moving out next month, I’ve been reflecting back on this…interesting season in our lives. What I’ve learned about myself, about how you have to adapt in more rustic living situations, and ultimately about God’s character and the blessings that come when you seek His will.

Here are five lessons I’ve learned while literally raising my children in a barn these last few months.

1. I am not a flexible person.

I like routines. I like structures. It’s really hard to have stable routines when you have to go to someone else’s house every time you need to do laundry or give your kids a bath, or when you never know when you’ll next see a spider in the shower or the bedroom or the kitchen, or when your kids get into the dirt and dust and track it all over your only semi-nicely carpeted room…but that’s life in a barn! You have to be flexible and ready to adjust accordingly at all times. And that is not me. But I’m learning quickly to be flexible as I’m seeing how inflexible I am. It’s been extremely difficult but also extremely good to see God at work in me, forming my character to make me a more patient wife, mom, and homemaker.

2. God made dirt, and dirt don’t hurt!

My kids sometimes have to go two or three days without baths because we don’t have a tub here, just a shower. We can shower with them, especially our oldest, but the shower is very small even for one person, and with our youngest it would be a lot trickier to keep him from crawling out while dripping wet. We try to go to my parents’ house every other day to give the boys baths, but some days I just can’t get over there on bath day, so they stay dirty a little longer.

It’s also really hard to keep the floors clean when you live in a barn! The bulk of the downstairs, including the kitchen and where we eat, is not insulated and has big gaps under the barn doors for dirt and bugs to come venturing inside (we had a couple of worms come visit on a particularly rainy day earlier this week. Ew.) The floor down there is just concrete and there are dust bunnies and dirt and cobwebs everywhere. Given all this, I’ve just had to accept that my kids are going to be dirty, and it’s not that big a deal. But speaking of creepy crawlies…

3. Spiders come with the territory…

When you live in a barn, you will never be rid of the spiders. Kill one spider, ten more will come to seek vengeance. It’s impossible to keep this place clean of spiders, which is definitely not my favorite experience. My husband refers to it as “immersion therapy” for this arachnophobe. I even have a pet spider now (sort of). His name is Spider Bro and he lives in a little outlet cubby just outside my kitchen. He’s big and black and speedy, so after a couple terrifying attempts at killing him I decided we could live and let live. He only comes out later at night so I don’t see him often, and he’s kind of a homebody in his little cubby, so he’s a pretty easy neighbor to get along with. Calling him “Spider Bro” somehow helps me feel better about this whole thing. I think this “immersion therapy” might be working…but probably not.

4. One mom’s nightmare is a toddler’s fantasy.

I sometimes really hate living in a barn with a horse stall for a kitchen, a studio-esque living/play/dining/bedroom combo, only one partially finished bathroom that’s all the way downstairs (while living with a freshly potty trained toddler), crummy heating, and unfinished floors. But my boys loooove it! Silas in particular thinks it’s the coolest thing ever. Every time we’re out and I tell him it’s time to go home, he gets so excited and says, “The barn is our home!”

My little ones constantly remind me to loosen up and be okay with our current circumstances, and to even have fun with this unexpected adventure! They don’t even recognize this as some in between, temporary situation. They see it as amazing and fun and exciting, which really helps me to have a better perspective on things.

5. When you are where God wants you to be, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

My husband used to be a software engineer for the biggest company in medical software, followed by some prestigious startups in the Seattle area. We had a beautiful (expensive) two story 3b2.5ba home. We were living the life that the world tells us we should want: the dream everyone wishes for. It was the life we thought we wanted and had worked toward for years…but something was missing. Something wasn’t right. We were constantly stressed and at each other’s throats; my husband was exhausted and overworked and micromanaged. We dealt with serious mental health issues and brokenness. It was just not where we were supposed to be, and it took some hard losses for us to realize that.

Josiah now works for a small town plumbing company. Several steps backwards according to the world’s perspective? Sure. But God has obviously called us to this community. He has called Josiah to this administrative, blue collar trade job. He has called our family to this barn. In the words of my almost three-year-old, “The barn is our home,” and I haven’t felt this at home in a long time. I really believe that is because we are where God wants us to be, and there is nothing better than knowing you are where God wants you.

Have you had a similar experience recently? How has God shown you a plan you never would have expected that’s exactly what you needed?

Still Learning to Love Well 5 Years In

Tue, 10 Sep 2019 16:30:00 GMT

Saturday was one of those rough days in our marriage that ended up being super necessary because of the conversation it led to. Josiah and I have been married for over five years now, but it wasn’t until today that we discovered a significant personality difference that has been leading to a ton of miscommunication and feelings of neglect.

And it all ultimately comes down to love languages.

The Five Love Languages

If you haven’t heard of the Five Love Languages, you can check them out and take the test to learn yours here. Basically, it’s the idea coined by Dr. Gary Chapman that there are five basic ways that we give and receive love:

Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts

Josiah and I have known each other’s for a while, but there were assumptions I was making about what his meant or about his personality that were completely wrong.

Understanding My Husband’s Love Languages

Josiah started a new job this week, which has had us getting back into the typical routine of him working the 9-5 while I work from home and take care of the babes. My assumption was that when he got home from work he would want to snag himself some dinner (we’ve typically already eaten by the time he rolls in) and have that time to himself without having to worry about taking care of the boys quite yet.

What he needed was quite literally the opposite.

After a very hard day involving a lot of arguing and lashing out irrationally (on my part, not his), we finally stopped, prayed, and talked it through. I discovered that Josiah has been feeling neglected and cast off all week by me sending him downstairs to the kitchen to get his dinner while I stay upstairs with the boys. He wanted to see his kiddos and spend time with them, not go off alone to make dinner, but because he’s an introvert I was assuming he would want a bit of alone time to eat in peace after a long day of work.

Josiah’s big love languages are Acts of Service and Quality Time. So by telling him to go grab his own dinner (even if I made it already and all he had to do was serve up a dish and reheat it), I was not only neglecting to love him through that service, I was also isolating him from the much desired quality time with his kiddos.

The Real Irony of it All

What’s even more absurd about all this is that, at the end of the day, I would like nothing more than to have an excuse to go off on my own for a minute while he cares for the boys! So ultimately, I was just trying to love him in the way I needed love in that moment, which ultimately left us both feeling rather left out to dry.

The Beauty of Loving Differently

It’s okay to give love and feel love differently.

This is one of the reasons I believe love to be an active choice we make every day, not just a feeling that fades and fluctuates based on life circumstances, other possibilities, or what you’ve eaten that day. If we only loved each other when we felt like it and how we felt like it, we could only ever be with people who share the exact same love languages as us. Even then it wouldn’t work because a lot of people feel love differently than they express love! I may enjoy expressing my love through acts of service, but when it comes down to how I feel most loved, words of affirmation are where it’s at!

I think there is a real beauty in the intentionality it takes to love someone in a way you don’t naturally express or feel love. That kind of active romancing is so much more meaningful than just doing what you assume will work for them based on how you’re feeling.

What are your love languages? Do you express love differently than you like to receive love?

When You Can't Avoid Your Anxiety Trigger

Sat, 07 Sep 2019 15:30:00 GMT

My main anxiety trigger is something it feels like I’m constantly experiencing in my life: change. Change manifests in so many ways, both good and bad. Anything from big purchases to moving to new pregnancies and babies…so basically, the last 2 1/2 years of my life have been a nonstop anxiety trigger for me! Here is a shortlist of the big changes I’ve gone through since 2016:

First son was born
Hubby was let go
Pregnant with second son
Moved across country, lived with in-laws
New job for hubby, new home for us
Hubby was let go
Had a baby
New job for hubby
New job for me
Hubby was let go
Moved in with my family
New job for hubby
Moved into a barn (new home)

I don’t tell you this to ask for pity, because it has actually been really good and I’ve grown so much closer to my God and learned a lot about trusting Him in this season of big changes. I’m telling you my story because I want to be a support to those of you who can relate by sharing what I’ve been through and what I’ve learned that may help you in similarly chaotic seasons.

Understanding Why You’re Anxious

It took me a long time to figure out that change was a trigger for me, but knowing what it is that triggers anxiety for you is a big part of learning how to work through it. The more I’ve learned about myself and the reasons behind my anxiety, the more I’ve been able to figure out how to cope and process through it in the moment. I’ve also realized that a lot of it is rooted in my sin nature and in not giving things up to God.

Needing Control

Change is triggering for me because it makes me feel out of control. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m type-A, but I do like to have things in order and I like to know that I have authority over whatever is happening in my life (this is 100% pride, by the way). So when things happen beyond my control, like job losses or babies not sleeping, I feel overwhelmed. My heart starts racing, I’m short of breath, I have trouble focusing my thoughts, and fight-or-flight kicks in and tells me I need to either yell and push people away or run away and isolate myself. I tend to lash out at those around me too, so it’s hard for my husband and others close to me to really know how to support me in the moment.

Letting Go of Shame

You’re not a bad mom/wife/employee/friend/child/sibling/person if you deal with anxiety. You’re not a failure if you need counseling or medication (I use both!).

If you know someone with a serious illness or injury, you’re not going to be mad at them if they’re too sick to hang out. It’s called mental illness for a reason, so if you need some time alone or need to take a sick day because you just can’t function around other people, it’s okay.

HOWEVER.

If you’re sick, you take medicine. If you’re healing from an injury, you go to physical therapy. In the same way, you need to seek help if you really want to be able to work through your anxiety and learn to manage it. It may never fully go away in the same way a broken leg heals, but you can learn to cope and figure out your limits with a little external support.

Don’t assume you’re fine because you’re having a good day/week/month/year. Anxiety can creep up when you least expect it, and it’s actually really good to prepare yourself to handle it during the good seasons when you’re better able to communicate and advocate for yourself, rather than waiting until you’re too overwhelmed to ask for help!

A Note for Moms

As moms, it’s easy to think we don’t have time to take care of ourselves the way we need to (mom guilt, anyone?), but it’s so important, especially when you deal with anxiety!

You always have the time to take five minutes for prayer and deep breathing. It may not feel like it in the moment, but you do and it’s not selfish to take that time! Settle you kiddos with some toys or a snack (or heck, a TV show. A little television won’t kill them), go into your room or the bathroom or step out onto the front porch and spend a few minutes with the Lord. You’ll be able to parent so much better if you can take a short break to get yourself in the right headspace on the hard days.

Postpartum Depression

PPD is a whole different ballgame, although some of the same practices can definitely help. But if you’re struggling with PPD or even just some baby blues, I highly recommend talking to your doctor and looking into counseling! I sought counseling for my postpartum depression with my firstborn, and that’s where I learned a lot of the tools I still use today to work through anxiety attacks and overwhelming seasons.

De-escalating the Panic

When you’re panicking, you’re not in a place to problem-solve or figure out why you’re having anxiety. If you try to figure out what’s wrong, you’ll just get frustrated (and ultimately, more anxious) as you struggle to understand why you feel this way.

You need to de-escalate before you’re ready to tackle the real problem triggering your anxiety. A great way to do this is to have a go-to bible verse, prayer, or phrase that is short and easy to focus on. Repeat it over and over again, out loud if possible, to help refocus your thoughts on a powerful, positive truth. Take a deep breath in between each phrase to help your heart rate slow down and bring your physical body to a calmer place.

Here are some of my go-to scriptures to get you started:

Psalm 46:10a - “He says, ‘Be still, and know that I am God.‘”
Psalm 23:4a - “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.”
2 Timothy 1:7 - “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline.”
Psalm 147:3 - “He heals up the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
Hebrews 13:5b - “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

When in Doubt, Pray

Sometimes I’m so overwhelmed that I can’t even remember any of these verses, so I just pray. Usually it’s something like, “God, help me to breathe” or “Lord, give me peace.” Just something short and simple declaring my need for God and giving me something to focus on. I also have a playlist of songs that are soothing for me to listen to and help me slow down.

What are your go-to bible verses or calming phrases that help you when you’re overwhelmed or anxious?

"Sick"

Sat, 27 Jul 2019 19:00:00 GMT

When I cancel plans because I’m “sick,” I’m not lying…but it’s probably not what you think.
When I cancel plans because I’m “sick,” My heart is racing
My hands are shaking
My stomach is in knots
And my head feels packed full and empty all at the same time.

When I cancel plans because I’m sick, anxiety is the usual culprit.
The symptom that keeps me from telling you: shame.

Shame because they say I’m not really sick.
Shame because I “should just suck it up and get on with my life instead of moping around.”
Shame because what if it really is all in my head?
What if I really am just lazy?
What if it’s all just an excuse I’m making to get out of things I don’t really want to do?⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

When I cancel plans because I’m sick, I’m not lying.
Because it’s called mental ILLNESS.
Because it may not be contagious, but the panic keeps me quarantined.
Because it took me three tries to even open a tab and begin to type this, and will probably take several more tries to hit that “publish” button and put it out there for the world to see.

When I cancel plans because I’m sick, it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.
It has nothing to do with you
And everything to do with my own fears of losing you.
When I cancel because I’m sick not once
Not twice
Not seventy-times-seven times
Please don’t give up on me.
Please make plans with me again.⠀

I may seem like what I want is isolation
And surely you’re tired of this vacillation
But all I’m doing in this separation
Is trying to take
A breath.

When I cancel plans because I’m sick, I’m not lying…
But it’s probably not what you think.

How Becoming a Mom Transformed My Battle with Anxiety

Sun, 19 May 2019 02:00:00 GMT

When my husband and I first got married, we immediately moved halfway across the country to Wisconsin for his new job. It was a new town. A new home. A new church. A new life. I struggled with anxiety a bit during college and took medication intermittently, but it didn’t present itself as a life-altering issue until those first two years of our marriage.

Great way to start a life together, am I right?

I was working as a program assistant for a state agency when the chest pain first began. It was so intense that it scared me into calling my doctor, who encouraged me to go to the ER. This was the first of several ER visits, doctor offices, and an endoscopy, all with the same result: physically, there was nothing wrong with me.

When I began to realize the root of all of this was anxiety, I sought counseling. This helped me gain some basic tools for working through panic attacks and dealing with the anxiety in healthier ways, but the physical pain that accompanied the heightened stress of my work environment was relentless.

Ultimately, I left my corporate job and begin working from home as a freelance copyeditor. The pain disappeared with the relieved stress, but the anxiety still lingered as an unwelcome (and extremely frustrating) guest.

Becoming a New Mom

Around this same time, my two best friends became pregnant simultaneously. Although Josiah and I had only been married for a year at this point, babies were definitely on the brain (and this news sure didn’t help). After much prayer and discussion, we decided I would go off the pill and we would let the chips fall where they may, so to speak.

Within five months, I was pregnant.

With this pregnancy came a frightening reality: for the sake of my unborn child, I needed to go off of my medication.

I was actually genuinely surprised by how easy this ended up being for me (stay tuned, it didn’t last). Something about knowing I had another person to take care of beyond myself who couldn’t do it on his own motivated me to take the necessary steps to wean off of my medication and actively fight the anxiety and panic.

I figured that was all I needed to defeat this monster under my bed for good, but with the birth of my son came postpartum depression (a story for another day), and then came my second pregnancy and the return of my anxious adversary.

Toward the end of my second pregnancy, my anxiety began to get quite literally out of control. I was extremely depressed and borderline suicidal. I felt completely isolated and undesirable. I felt like a horrible mom, a verbally abusive wife, and a hypocritical Christian if ever there was one.

Anxiety Manifest as Rage

Let me stop here and explain something about my personal brand of anxiety. Anxiety and depression can manifest differently for everyone. Some are very quiet and isolated. Others might cry or sleep a lot. When I am struggling with severe anxiety…I get angry. I yell. I slam doors. I’ve even broken a dish or two in my day. This is the hardest thing to share because with it comes so. Much. Shame. This shame was magnified this time around, because it wasn’t just another adult seeing me at my worst.

It was my toddler.

I would be screaming and yelling at myself, my husband, the world, and I would look down and see my child staring at me with concern, clearly upset by my tirade. At this point I would often run away to another room so he wouldn’t see me like that anymore, or my husband would scoop him up and take him somewhere else to play while I calmed down.

I felt trapped, because I was heavily pregnant but didn’t feel like this was something I could overcome without the assistance of medication. I was so scared for my unborn baby, but I was also scared I could emotionally traumatize my firstborn. I talked to my midwife at my next appointment, and she gave me the most valuable piece of advice I’ve ever heard as a mom:

“The most important thing for your baby is that you are healthy, both physically and mentally.”

Thinking back on this now, as a mom of two growing boys, I realize how important that advice is for moms of all ages and stages. We can’t put off taking care of ourselves because we’re worried about how focusing any time and energy on ourselves will impact our children. Self-care is so very important for moms! For me, this means actively battling my anxiety by learning my triggers, learning my soothe methods, maintaining vulnerability with a strong support group, and, yes, taking my meds.

Remembering My “Why”

Before I had children, I didn’t have a significant “why” to look to when struggling to fight off seasons of anxiety or depression. Of course I had people I loved and cared for and wanted to be there for, like my husband or my parents, but it was different when I was faced with completely vulnerable little ones who were dependent on me as their caretaker.

Suddenly I had a real, tangible, necessary reason to stop letting anxiety rule my life. I had two children who needed me to be strong for them. I had two children who needed me to admit when I needed help, reach out to all available supports and resources, and take care of myself so that I could take care of them better. I had found my “why.”

Mom on a Warpath

Anxiety and depression are something I will likely always struggle with. The fight is far from over, and I have my good days and my very bad days. But motherhood gave me two beautiful little reasons to fight every day and choose victory as much as I’m able, because if my own health and happiness isn’t reason enough, theirs absolutely is.

I also know my children may one day struggle with the same issues I do, and I fully intend to be ready to support them through it as a weathered veteran, and I thank God that I am going through this now if only so that I can be a better mom to them if and when that day comes.