When my husband and I first got married, we immediately moved halfway across the country to Wisconsin for his new job. It was a new town. A new home. A new church. A new life. I struggled with anxiety a bit during college and took medication intermittently, but it didn’t present itself as a life-altering issue until those first two years of our marriage.

Great way to start a life together, am I right?

I was working as a program assistant for a state agency when the chest pain first began. It was so intense that it scared me into calling my doctor, who encouraged me to go to the ER. This was the first of several ER visits, doctor offices, and an endoscopy, all with the same result: physically, there was nothing wrong with me.

When I began to realize the root of all of this was anxiety, I sought counseling. This helped me gain some basic tools for working through panic attacks and dealing with the anxiety in healthier ways, but the physical pain that accompanied the heightened stress of my work environment was relentless.

Ultimately, I left my corporate job and begin working from home as a freelance copyeditor. The pain disappeared with the relieved stress, but the anxiety still lingered as an unwelcome (and extremely frustrating) guest.

Becoming a New Mom

Around this same time, my two best friends became pregnant simultaneously. Although Josiah and I had only been married for a year at this point, babies were definitely on the brain (and this news sure didn’t help). After much prayer and discussion, we decided I would go off the pill and we would let the chips fall where they may, so to speak.

Within five months, I was pregnant.

With this pregnancy came a frightening reality: for the sake of my unborn child, I needed to go off of my medication.

I was actually genuinely surprised by how easy this ended up being for me (stay tuned, it didn’t last). Something about knowing I had another person to take care of beyond myself who couldn’t do it on his own motivated me to take the necessary steps to wean off of my medication and actively fight the anxiety and panic.

I figured that was all I needed to defeat this monster under my bed for good, but with the birth of my son came postpartum depression (a story for another day), and then came my second pregnancy and the return of my anxious adversary.

Toward the end of my second pregnancy, my anxiety began to get quite literally out of control. I was extremely depressed and borderline suicidal. I felt completely isolated and undesirable. I felt like a horrible mom, a verbally abusive wife, and a hypocritical Christian if ever there was one.

Anxiety Manifest as Rage

Let me stop here and explain something about my personal brand of anxiety. Anxiety and depression can manifest differently for everyone. Some are very quiet and isolated. Others might cry or sleep a lot. When I am struggling with severe anxiety…I get angry. I yell. I slam doors. I’ve even broken a dish or two in my day. This is the hardest thing to share because with it comes so. Much. Shame. This shame was magnified this time around, because it wasn’t just another adult seeing me at my worst.

It was my toddler.

I would be screaming and yelling at myself, my husband, the world, and I would look down and see my child staring at me with concern, clearly upset by my tirade. At this point I would often run away to another room so he wouldn’t see me like that anymore, or my husband would scoop him up and take him somewhere else to play while I calmed down.

I felt trapped, because I was heavily pregnant but didn’t feel like this was something I could overcome without the assistance of medication. I was so scared for my unborn baby, but I was also scared I could emotionally traumatize my firstborn. I talked to my midwife at my next appointment, and she gave me the most valuable piece of advice I’ve ever heard as a mom:

“The most important thing for your baby is that you are healthy, both physically and mentally.”

Thinking back on this now, as a mom of two growing boys, I realize how important that advice is for moms of all ages and stages. We can’t put off taking care of ourselves because we’re worried about how focusing any time and energy on ourselves will impact our children. Self-care is so very important for moms! For me, this means actively battling my anxiety by learning my triggers, learning my soothe methods, maintaining vulnerability with a strong support group, and, yes, taking my meds.

Remembering My “Why”

Before I had children, I didn’t have a significant “why” to look to when struggling to fight off seasons of anxiety or depression. Of course I had people I loved and cared for and wanted to be there for, like my husband or my parents, but it was different when I was faced with completely vulnerable little ones who were dependent on me as their caretaker.

Suddenly I had a real, tangible, necessary reason to stop letting anxiety rule my life. I had two children who needed me to be strong for them. I had two children who needed me to admit when I needed help, reach out to all available supports and resources, and take care of myself so that I could take care of them better. I had found my “why.”

Mom on a Warpath

Anxiety and depression are something I will likely always struggle with. The fight is far from over, and I have my good days and my very bad days. But motherhood gave me two beautiful little reasons to fight every day and choose victory as much as I’m able, because if my own health and happiness isn’t reason enough, theirs absolutely is.

I also know my children may one day struggle with the same issues I do, and I fully intend to be ready to support them through it as a weathered veteran, and I thank God that I am going through this now if only so that I can be a better mom to them if and when that day comes.