When I cancel plans because I’m “sick,” I’m not lying…but it’s probably not what you think.
When I cancel plans because I’m “sick,” My heart is racing
My hands are shaking
My stomach is in knots
And my head feels packed full and empty all at the same time.
When I cancel plans because I’m sick, anxiety is the usual culprit.
The symptom that keeps me from telling you: shame.
Shame because they say I’m not really sick.
Shame because I “should just suck it up and get on with my life instead of moping around.”
Shame because what if it really is all in my head?
What if I really am just lazy?
What if it’s all just an excuse I’m making to get out of things I don’t really want to do?⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
When I cancel plans because I’m sick, I’m not lying.
Because it’s called mental ILLNESS.
Because it may not be contagious, but the panic keeps me quarantined.
Because it took me three tries to even open a tab and begin to type this, and will probably take several more tries to hit that “publish” button and put it out there for the world to see.
When I cancel plans because I’m sick, it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.
It has nothing to do with you
And everything to do with my own fears of losing you.
When I cancel because I’m sick not once
Not twice
Not seventy-times-seven times
Please don’t give up on me.
Please make plans with me again.⠀
I may seem like what I want is isolation
And surely you’re tired of this vacillation
But all I’m doing in this separation
Is trying to take
A breath.
When I cancel plans because I’m sick, I’m not lying…
But it’s probably not what you think.