When I cancel plans because I’m “sick,” I’m not lying…but it’s probably not what you think.
\nWhen I cancel plans because I’m “sick,” My heart is racing
\nMy hands are shaking
\nMy stomach is in knots
\nAnd my head feels packed full and empty all at the same time.
When I cancel plans because I’m sick, anxiety is the usual culprit.
\nThe symptom that keeps me from telling you: shame.
Shame because they say I’m not really sick.
\nShame because I “should just suck it up and get on with my life instead of moping around.”
\nShame because what if it really is all in my head?
\nWhat if I really am just lazy?
\nWhat if it’s all just an excuse I’m making to get out of things I don’t really want to do?⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
When I cancel plans because I’m sick, I’m not lying.
\nBecause it’s called mental ILLNESS.
\nBecause it may not be contagious, but the panic keeps me quarantined.
\nBecause it took me three tries to even open a tab and begin to type this, and will probably take several more tries to hit that “publish” button and put it out there for the world to see.
When I cancel plans because I’m sick, it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.
\nIt has nothing to do with you
\nAnd everything to do with my own fears of losing you.
\nWhen I cancel because I’m sick not once
\nNot twice
\nNot seventy-times-seven times
\nPlease don’t give up on me.
\nPlease make plans with me again.⠀
I may seem like what I want is isolation
\nAnd surely you’re tired of this vacillation
\nBut all I’m doing in this separation
\nIs trying to take
\nA breath.
When I cancel plans because I’m sick, I’m not lying…
\nBut it’s probably not what you think.