Saturday was one of those rough days in our marriage that ended up being super necessary because of the conversation it led to. Josiah and I have been married for over five years now, but it wasn’t until today that we discovered a significant personality difference that has been leading to a ton of miscommunication and feelings of neglect.
And it all ultimately comes down to love languages.
The Five Love Languages
If you haven’t heard of the Five Love Languages, you can check them out and take the test to learn yours here. Basically, it’s the idea coined by Dr. Gary Chapman that there are five basic ways that we give and receive love:
- Physical Touch
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
Josiah and I have known each other’s for a while, but there were assumptions I was making about what his meant or about his personality that were completely wrong.
Understanding My Husband’s Love Languages
Josiah started a new job this week, which has had us getting back into the typical routine of him working the 9-5 while I work from home and take care of the babes. My assumption was that when he got home from work he would want to snag himself some dinner (we’ve typically already eaten by the time he rolls in) and have that time to himself without having to worry about taking care of the boys quite yet.
What he needed was quite literally the opposite.
After a very hard day involving a lot of arguing and lashing out irrationally (on my part, not his), we finally stopped, prayed, and talked it through. I discovered that Josiah has been feeling neglected and cast off all week by me sending him downstairs to the kitchen to get his dinner while I stay upstairs with the boys. He wanted to see his kiddos and spend time with them, not go off alone to make dinner, but because he’s an introvert I was assuming he would want a bit of alone time to eat in peace after a long day of work.
Josiah’s big love languages are Acts of Service and Quality Time. So by telling him to go grab his own dinner (even if I made it already and all he had to do was serve up a dish and reheat it), I was not only neglecting to love him through that service, I was also isolating him from the much desired quality time with his kiddos.
The Real Irony of it All
What’s even more absurd about all this is that, at the end of the day, I would like nothing more than to have an excuse to go off on my own for a minute while he cares for the boys! So ultimately, I was just trying to love him in the way I needed love in that moment, which ultimately left us both feeling rather left out to dry.
The Beauty of Loving Differently
It’s okay to give love and feel love differently.
This is one of the reasons I believe love to be an active choice we make every day, not just a feeling that fades and fluctuates based on life circumstances, other possibilities, or what you’ve eaten that day. If we only loved each other when we felt like it and how we felt like it, we could only ever be with people who share the exact same love languages as us. Even then it wouldn’t work because a lot of people feel love differently than they express love! I may enjoy expressing my love through acts of service, but when it comes down to how I feel most loved, words of affirmation are where it’s at!
I think there is a real beauty in the intentionality it takes to love someone in a way you don’t naturally express or feel love. That kind of active romancing is so much more meaningful than just doing what you assume will work for them based on how you’re feeling.
What are your love languages? Do you express love differently than you like to receive love?